IT'S A BALANCING ACT, BEING YOU, BEING ME

Moderation, moderation! They preach everything in moderation!

Not too much, not too little. Make my porridge oh-just-right!

Read the news, read the cards, read the Writing on the Wall: if you stray Too Far From Center, off the cliff then You Will Fall!

Well, we can certainly say that it is a popular conseil to avoid extremes.  We're all in our Snuggies in the middle of a room made of bubble-wrap.  Brush our teefs at night, too.

HOWEVER, we cannot but point out that counterweights exist in the world. Let us not deny that 6 in one hand half dozen in the other, that still adds up to 12.

And so we find that we're always at an even 50%. The House, it would seem, has an equal advantage. How comforting to be both the House and the Unabashed Better!

EVENMORESO are we agreeable to the idea that if you drink Diet Coke, your are certainly allowed to eat twice as many Reduced Fat Wheat Thins. This is the delicate, balancing act of a person with seasonsed willpower. Chance any McDonalds and you're sure to find empircal evidence of this practice in effect. 

YES! Yes! we are allowed to buy 200 hundred dollars worth of scratch tickets if we don't eat the rest of the week!  We weren't hungry anyway.

OF COURSE we grant ourselves permission to stay out all night carousing, because we can sleep in our car during our lunch break. Put on sunglasses and have a bit of a snooze at the ol' desk.

A NO when you really mean YES, or a YES when you really mean NO, that's equal to a MAYBE PERHAPS PERCHANCE or WE'LL SEE any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

Y Cancels out X as X cancels out Y, and you're got a delightful mélange of YX/XY to make Z.  Let us bask in the glory that is a well-planned compromise of consumption, contemplation and comportment!

WHAT'S PEN GOT TO DO WITH IT?

At one point we thought Pen was our only loyal Friend.

.... that at least Pen got what were saying, every time we put ball point to paper, Pen was good to write it out in swoops and swirls.

When borrowed, we always got Pen back.  When needed, Pen was always in the bottom of our bag, snuggled behind our ears.

Except now... well, it really does seem like, lately... Pen you've been running out of ink,
going missing,
getting stuck under the seat when we're driving....
and refusing to come out-
even to our outstretched, familiar hand!

And Pen. You came home the other day with some teeth marks.  Really? You'd rather hang out with some McChewy? What have we not done for you that you think someone else will?

... and what was the whole bit about leaking blue all over our hands.  We could NOT get that stuff off, Pen. We recognize that it was an accident...  but it was everywhere...

Pen, what is something we wrote?

Did you want your own mug on the desk, apart from all the Others?

Are you... are you looking for Talent, Pen? Is our mediacrity waning? You're not fulfilled?

Don't you know that Earnest Hemingway is dead, Tolkein wrote with a feather, J K Rowling a magic wand? You're not settling, Pen.  You're not.  Someday we'll be able to buy you all of the finger grips you want.

Pen, we're lost without you. A blank page.

Come back.

STOCKS ON HIGH?

We suppose we're in a financial mood of late.

Maybe it's because Beth gave us a raise.  A whole nickel. Said we get to do the closing shift, lock up the shop.

Responsibility, what's that?

There have been times in our lives when we've wanted to purchase stock and did heavy investigatory activities. We were certain of getting rich! rich! rich!, only to have the soothsayers doomsday our plans.  Talked out of it, we blew our savings on pony rides and unecessary gold caps and fillings.

Since then we've decided that we're our own, our best, stock analyst.  Our risk budget is 100%, because it's all in the spirit of fun, ain't it?

We're not greedy, either - we're willing to share with everyone else. So... without further ado, the next "big" companies about to go public.

1) Hutzler - Makers of the infamous "Banana Slicer" and other handy household gadgets. 
               Suggested stock symbol: HZLER

2) Pillow Pets, Inc.  - Like Beanie Babies, we are absolutely positive that these foldable pillows fashioned like puffy fauna and cheery insects will never go out of style. 
               Suggested stock symbol: PIPS-P

3) Queen Latifah - We wonder why we don't already own a peice of this hilarious, endearing woman.
              Suggested stock symbol: QUEEAA!!!!!!!

4) The Moon - Just give us intangible fungibles equivalent to a lunar rock!
              Suggest stock symbol: THAMOON

SAVING FOR RETIREMENT

We're so broke we're saving laundry mat dryer lint to knit us a new blankie.

Some old men who want to sell us insurance say it's a good idea to budget and save money.  We think about this as we drink Starbucks and shop online for another build-your-own-catapult kit.

Do it. Do it NOW!

Perhaps there are a few good ways to save money.

First is to have some.

In order to find the dough that we are told we need to save, we go to where it all begins - the Casino.

Friends may rush to the tables, but we walk around looking for chips and coins on the floor. Lo and Behold! We find a quarter and in the pocket it goes.

We also find a platter of FREE! donuts.  And free fountain drinks, but the cups are so small. Boy are they cheap here.  We eat three donuts.

We run into several people and spill some Diet Coke. They yell we're not looking where we're going.  We explain we're making money. Now we have to leave.

But we can't give up yet, we need retirement security - though we wonder what the big deal is since we've already seen every episode of The Golden Girls.  

There is another way to get money, we hear that people will pay us to answer surveys. We sign up quick.

This guy ask a lot of questions. What do we think about denture cream? Oh, we love it, we think it's very creamy.

But something is going wrong because he says we must first have their product and not just opinions.  Crummy details.  

Brilliant idea! Pawn Shop. 

John Lovitz signed headshot will bring in big bucks, we are sure.  Chain and leather pants we wore to four first dates haven't been much luck, they can also go. 

Still more problems.  Here at the pawn shop, they don't know who John Lovitz is. They said go and try next door with the pants. We look out the window and we let them know it's an adult video store.  They laugh. 

But good news! They say they like us, and will give us five whole dollars if we dance like a monkey.  We dance.  We hoot and hollar and make ooo ooo aaaa aaa aaaa sounds.  We do scratching movements. 

They say we can come back any time.

We head to Starbucks next door for a much-needed pick me up.  We've got just enough for a Venti.  How anybody ever has a dime to save, we will never know. 

WE HEAR THAT THEY BOOKED JOHN LITHGOW and THAT PAT BENATAR WOMAN!!

There’s like, a lot of stuff floating around about the DNC or the RNC or probably even the AARPC (where you can’t get in unless you’re like 200 years old), and they all want YOU TO LISTEN TO THEM. Put in your hearing aids, put your Jitterbugs on silent, because babies… it’s THE FUTURE. and it’s… NOW!!!

Well, their approach is wrong. They need to attract the voter’s attention, inspire them to use their gift of franchisement, with SIDESHOWS and WHIRLEYGIGS and EYEPOPPERS!

Make it a carnival. We want supersonic flushing toilets, to-go! We want extra large Mentos, fruit-flavored! We want overstimulating satisfaction! We want free stuff that’s on sale, for free!

We want this:

We want to lock it all up in our pockets.

SEE THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

"She loves me enough to put up with my junky junk". -- Overheard.

We are instantly recalling the touching scene in Home Alone 2 where Kevin regales the Bird Lady about his rollerblades. He fables that he never used the inline skates, but kept them safe and new in their box, only to outgrow them. 

Would the Bird Lady soon outgrow her own heart, where only the pigeons would recognize her?

His gloves don't fit anymore.

It seems that we have the opposite problem. It's nigh impossible to figure out, but our stuff always seems to get scuffed. Our swaggle gets bedraggled. Our effects become rejects. We quandried:

What is there to do when you can't keep things nice?

Is this what you do to the cars that we give you?



An epiphanyptic solution came to our mind: We must avoid owning anything of real value.



NO



YES



What can you break that isn't already broken? Easy fix to avoid hassling around with your car: run into a friend so that your hood be crumpled and mangled. No mores worries. Why even wash it? Plus, trials bring us closer together.

What's more, now when you cruise around, you will get honks and attention from friendly folk who think that your hood will fly up and you will be the death of us all.

Do some preplanning and consider:

WHICH OF MY FRIENDS WOULD MOST APPRECIATE MY RUNNING INTO THEM?

Depth perception is overrated.



Avoid buying nice clothes, 'cause you're gonna gain weight and them buttons gonna POP! Can't wear em' anymore, you shamefully hide them in the back of your closet. Spend your money on copious amounts of inexpensive shoes. Unlike KevinMcCaillster, your feet shouldn't be getting any bigger, minus hypertension. Indeed, your feet are liable to get much smaller as you antiquate...

You're reading this and your feet are still growing, huh?

WHY AREN'T YOU IN SCHOOL?



This could have been avoided.

Procure ye not a mansionesque dwelling. Unless your a member of the Duggar Family, you don't need that much space. And even the Duggars could just build a closet for each kid and call it good.



The less square footage for which you're responsible, the less you have to keep tidy. Foster your lethargy, nurture your negligence, spend would-be cleaning time reading hilarious blogs. Most importantly: resist the urge to hoard.

Ask of yourself:

DO I NEED THESE EIGHTEEN PACKETS OF BENDY STRAWS?



It's PERFECT!

 

EARLY BARBIE PROTOTYPES

The ultimate collector's items? We do love a good valuable. These lesser known but much sought-after Barbies were never mass produced. Our sources have been promised that we wouldn't give details about how they acquired them, or where they're kept. We so hope you enjoy.



Desperate Housewife Barbie



Vigilante Barbie



Cat Lady Barbie