SEE THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

"She loves me enough to put up with my junky junk". -- Overheard.

We are instantly recalling the touching scene in Home Alone 2 where Kevin regales the Bird Lady about his rollerblades. He fables that he never used the inline skates, but kept them safe and new in their box, only to outgrow them. 

Would the Bird Lady soon outgrow her own heart, where only the pigeons would recognize her?

His gloves don't fit anymore.

It seems that we have the opposite problem. It's nigh impossible to figure out, but our stuff always seems to get scuffed. Our swaggle gets bedraggled. Our effects become rejects. We quandried:

What is there to do when you can't keep things nice?

Is this what you do to the cars that we give you?



An epiphanyptic solution came to our mind: We must avoid owning anything of real value.



NO



YES



What can you break that isn't already broken? Easy fix to avoid hassling around with your car: run into a friend so that your hood be crumpled and mangled. No mores worries. Why even wash it? Plus, trials bring us closer together.

What's more, now when you cruise around, you will get honks and attention from friendly folk who think that your hood will fly up and you will be the death of us all.

Do some preplanning and consider:

WHICH OF MY FRIENDS WOULD MOST APPRECIATE MY RUNNING INTO THEM?

Depth perception is overrated.



Avoid buying nice clothes, 'cause you're gonna gain weight and them buttons gonna POP! Can't wear em' anymore, you shamefully hide them in the back of your closet. Spend your money on copious amounts of inexpensive shoes. Unlike KevinMcCaillster, your feet shouldn't be getting any bigger, minus hypertension. Indeed, your feet are liable to get much smaller as you antiquate...

You're reading this and your feet are still growing, huh?

WHY AREN'T YOU IN SCHOOL?



This could have been avoided.

Procure ye not a mansionesque dwelling. Unless your a member of the Duggar Family, you don't need that much space. And even the Duggars could just build a closet for each kid and call it good.



The less square footage for which you're responsible, the less you have to keep tidy. Foster your lethargy, nurture your negligence, spend would-be cleaning time reading hilarious blogs. Most importantly: resist the urge to hoard.

Ask of yourself:

DO I NEED THESE EIGHTEEN PACKETS OF BENDY STRAWS?



It's PERFECT!