WE HEAR THAT THEY BOOKED JOHN LITHGOW and THAT PAT BENATAR WOMAN!!

There’s like, a lot of stuff floating around about the DNC or the RNC or probably even the AARPC (where you can’t get in unless you’re like 200 years old), and they all want YOU TO LISTEN TO THEM. Put in your hearing aids, put your Jitterbugs on silent, because babies… it’s THE FUTURE. and it’s… NOW!!!

Well, their approach is wrong. They need to attract the voter’s attention, inspire them to use their gift of franchisement, with SIDESHOWS and WHIRLEYGIGS and EYEPOPPERS!

Make it a carnival. We want supersonic flushing toilets, to-go! We want extra large Mentos, fruit-flavored! We want overstimulating satisfaction! We want free stuff that’s on sale, for free!

We want this:

We want to lock it all up in our pockets.